I’m not your Santa Claus

I….I…..I…..I….I’m not your santa claus
I….I…..I…..I….I’m not your santa claus
You’re tryin’ to hire me for your mall display,
To sit up in that chair all night and day,
You think that I look just like the man,
Well just cuz i do, doesn’t mean I am.
I tell ya,
I….I…..I…..I….I’m not your santa claus
I….I…..I…..I….I’m not your santa claus
not your santa claus, i’m not your santa claus
(ho, ho, hoho, ho, ho, hoho)
I….I…..I…..I….I’m not your santa claus
When you first saw me walk down your mall,
You saw the beard, the belly yes i have it all
I really think that you should listen
Cuz i have to tell you, I just got out of prison…
Tell ya…
I….I…..I…..I….I’m not your santa claus
I….I…..I…..I….I’m not your santa claus
not your santa claus, i’m not your santa claus
(ho, ho, hoho, ho, ho, hoho)

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

The restroom door said gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized
I’d been taken for a ride
I heard high voices turned and found
The place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse
What could be worse
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse?

The restroom door said gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there
I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And smacked me with her bag
I could tell this just wouldn’t be my day
What can I say?
It just wasn’t turning out to be my day.

The restroom door said gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve
To switch the signs
‘Cause I got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind
Now I can’t sit with comfort and joy
Boy oh boy
No I’ll never sit with comfort and joy.

Merry Xmas For Criminals

We wish you a happy hearing,
we wish you a happy hearing,
We wish you a happy hearing,
and we hope you make bail!

I’ll be Cloned for Christmas
by D M Goldstein
(To The Tune “I’ll be Home for Christmas”)

I’ll be Cloned for Christmas,
There’ll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
And One just for Parties.

Christmas Eve, I’m certain,
I won’t be alone;
I’ll be home for Christmas,
Or else I’ll send a Clone!