I Saw Elvis Dressed As Santa Claus
(To The Tune “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”)
by The Fibs

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
In my home town shopping mall last night.
I knew it must be him
Santa is a very slim.
And his sideburns where much darker
Than the whiskers on his chin.

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding under that beard of snowy white.
Then I saw his whiskers slip,
When he curled his lip.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Spoken:
Yessiree, I saw Elvis sitting on Santa’s throne.
Really I did, and I’m gonna call the Enquirer,
Because after all,
Suspicious minds wanna know.
He had blue suede boots and bells,
You should have seen it for yourselves.

Sung:
And did you ever wonder why it is
They call his helpers Elves?

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding under that beard of snowy white.
Oh you can imagine my surprise,
When I saw through his disguise.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Well, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
In my home town shopping mall last night.
He was sitting in Santa’s chair;
little sister pulling on his hair.
And I heard him say, “Now don’t be cruel,
You’ll get a teddy bear.”

Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding underneath that beard of snowy white.
Then I saw his whiskers slip,
When he curled his lip.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.

Well it makes me wanna sing
Blue Christmas like the King.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.
Elvis here, Elvis there, Elvis everywhere!

I heard him say, “Now don’t be cruel,
You’ll get a teddy bear.”

Daddy’s Home And I Think He’s Drunk
(To The Tune Of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

Oh you better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I’m tellin’ you why;

Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk.

He’s walkin’ real slow,
He slurs when he speaks,
I don’t even think
He’s shaved in two weeks,

Daddy’s home and boy is he drunk.

He spent most of our money
On Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest
And lost it at the track.

Sooo…. You better not pout,
You better not cry,
I don’t like that look in his eye,
Daddy’s home and I think he’s…
Daddy’s home and boy is he…

Daddy’s home and he’s really drunk!

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and grandpa we believe.
She’d been drinking too much eggnog,
and we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication, and she
staggered out the door into the snow.
When we found her Christmas morning,
at the scene of the attack,
she had hoof-prints on her forehead,
and incriminating Claus marks on her back.

Now we’re all so proud of grandpa,
He’s been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
drinking root beer and
playing cards with Cousin Mel.
It’s not Christmas without Grandma,
All the family’s dressed in black
and we just can’t help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts,
or send them back?
Send them back!!

Now the goose is on the table
and the pudding made of fig
and the blue and silver candles
that would just have matched
the hair on grandma’s wig.
I’ve warned all my
friends and neighbors
better watch out for yourselves,
they should never give a license
to a man who drives a sleigh
and plays with elves.

The Chipmunk Christmas
By Ross Bagdasarian’s Alvin and the Chipmunks(1958)

Christmas, Christmas time is near
Time for toys and time for cheer
We’ve been good, but we can’t last
Hurry Christmas, hurry fast
Want a plane that loops the loop v Me, I want a hula hoop
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don’t be late.

Want a plane that loops the loop
I still want a hula-hoop
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don’t be late.
We can hardly stand the wait Please Christmas, don’t be late.

I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus,
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep,
Down the stairs to have a peep.
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom fast asleep!
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus,
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen,
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!

All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
By Don Gardner

Everybody pauses and stares at me
These two teeth are gone as you can see
I don’t know just who to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth
Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
“Merry Christmas.”

It seems so long since I could say,
“Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!”
Gosh oh gee, how happy I’d be,
if I could only whistle (thhhh, thhhh)

All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth.

Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
“Merry Christmas!”

I’m getting’ nuttin’ for Christmas
By S. Tepper, R. Bennett

I broke my bat on Johnny’s head;
Somebody snitched on me.
I hid a frog in sister’s bed;
Somebody snitched on me.
I spilled some ink on Mommy’s rug;
I made Tommy eat a bug;
Bought some gum with a penny slug;
Somebody snitched on me.

Chorus
Oh, I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas
‘Cause I ain’t been nuttin’ but bad.
So you better be good whatever you do,
‘Cause if you’re bad, I’m warning you,
You’ll get nuttin’ for Christmas!

I put a tack on teacher’s chair,
Somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Susie’s hair,
Somebody snitched on me.
I did a dance on Mommy’s plants,
Climbed a tree and tore my pants,
Filled the sugar bowl with ants,
Somebody snitched on me.

Chorus
So, I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas
‘Cause I ain’t been nuttin’ but bad.
So you better be good whatever you do,
‘Cause if you’re bad, I’m warning you,
You’ll get nuttin’ for Christmas!

I won’t be seeing Santa Claus;
Somebody snitched on me.
He won’t come visit me because
Somebody snitched on me.
Next year I’ll be going straight;
Next year I’ll be good, just wait
I’d start now, but it’s too late;
Somebody snitched on me.

Chorus
Oh, I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I’m gettin’ nuttin’ for Christmas
‘Cause I ain’t been nuttin’ but bad.
So you better be good whatever you do,
‘Cause if you’re bad, I’m warning you,
You’ll get nuttin’ for Christmas!

Rusty Chevrolet

(To The Tune “Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet.
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings. I need some new snow tires.
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire!

Chorus
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

I went to IGA to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed up my left front tire and it’s gettin’ hard to steer.
Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops.
I have to drag my swampers just to get the car to stop.

Chorus
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what’s the joke!
I have to get to Wal-Mart to pick up my layaway,
Cause Santa’s comin’ soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh!

Chorus
Oh, rust and smoke, the heater’s broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio’s okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rus-ty Chev-ro-let!

A Programmer’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.

The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.

Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: “My name is Santa…the last name is Claus.”

The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
“This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.”

With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to “think”;
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.

Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
“Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,

Your smile - all these things, I’ve been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
But your name and your address (computers can’t lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.

You’ve a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowl full of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you’re not in my program, you cannot exist!”

Old Santa just chuckled a merry “ho, ho”,
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this “data” to the machine:

“Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone’s cheer;
But you won’t get anything - that’s plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me.”

Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
“Merry Christmas to All,” as he pulled out its plug!

The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen

(To the Tune “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)

The restroom door said Gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized
I’d been taken for a ride
I heard high voices turned and found
The place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And snapped me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn’t be my day
What can I say?
It just wasn’t turning out to be my day.

The restroom door said Gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I’ve got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind
Now I can’t sit with comfort and joy
Boy, oh, boy
No, I’ll never sit with comfort and joy.