What do you get if you cross an archer with a gift wrapper?
Ribbon Hood

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes

What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Sandy Claws

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes!

How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?
My pop is bigger than yours!

Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
She said “I could not work out what size her nose was!

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I’m gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd’s outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations

The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.