The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson 

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.  

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson. 

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. 

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.  

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.  

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning  

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. Richard Lamm 

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller  

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. 

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.Erma Bombeck  

You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.
Robert Paul